Care Partner, Caregiver, or Stroke Survivor compassion is necessary!
Compassion is defined as being concerned for the sufferings of others. That is a very accurate definition and made sense prior to the changes that occurred post stroke. We are asked each day to show compassion towards our loved ones, others, and ourselves. When the day goes well, and we get a small taste of the past or a glimpse of our future dreams – being compassionate comes easily.
Why is compassion so important for a relationship? Henri Nouwen wrote in his book “The Way of the Heart”, Compassion can never coexist with judgement because judgment creates distance and distinction, which prevents us from really being with the other.
We know that compassion is important but how do we become or stay compassionate when we are ready to throw in the towel? You get that they don’t mean to “drive us crazy, it is out of their control” BUT… the anger at you, having to do everything around the house or explaining a movie, a message, or a task over and over.
When my husband was in the ICU, I was able to see a side of him that I had not seen before. He is an engineer and sees the world very black and white, but the helplessness caused by the stroke opened his eyes to open to others not seen.
Each day, a lovely woman would come into the room and pick up the trash and complete her housekeeping duties. All around her was a swirl of activity and no one really noticed her role in my husband’s recovery. He would wait for her each day with “Hello and thank you” Repeatedly, he shared that it bothered him that she went about her day unnoticed and that he felt that way as well – unnoticed a shell of himself. When the time came to leave the ICU, I wanted to thank the staff, but he asked that I get a card and flowers for the lovely housekeeper. She cried as we all did. Compassion for others provides as much for that person as it does for you.
How we did we remain compassionate when we didn’t want to?
HUMOR – When things went wrong or I was at my limit, we would laugh at the challenge ahead. Everything that happens post stroke is so very serious, and you may feel uncomfortable at first but a good laugh by both always helped us. When times get tough, I would tease him that “Today was not the day to pull the stroke card!” It broke the tension, and we could restart the day. Sometimes, you just need a good belly laugh.
TRY ON THEIR SHOES - Attempt for an hour not being able to speak, not using your right side or making a list of all the things you do in that hour that you would need someone else to help with. This was a true test. After only an hour, I was frustrated and could not even imagine this 24/7.
BUT – I have shared this before, but it remains a great tool. Don’t look at what they cannot do BUT rather what they can do? Don’t assume you need to do it all, together determine what their limitations are and what is possible and then stand back and let go!
You are not alone on this journey; I and other care partners are here to support you.
Stroke and the Spouse Mission
To impact, guide and improve the lives of Care Partners and Caregivers through education, support and resources