When it came to driving, Rick was a “rebellious teen”. The return to driving is a big step that not only affects your loved one and you, but also everyone sharing the road. He felt that he had been driving for years and now this vital part of his independence was gone. The location of the stroke and the subsequent recovery is a determining factor on their ability to drive again. This may be an ongoing argument, and you need to remain strong.

During inpatient therapy and for about six months after, Rick understood he was not healthy enough to drive. The impairment of his reflexes, decision making, coordination and memory was acute. With each improvement, we had hoped that he would be back to 100 percent. Unfortunately, he was not, and adaptations had to be made. He was determined to drive as soon as possible. He thought he was ready long before I felt he was. Stand firm when you hear:

The caregiver is the sole survivor of the stroke and needs to take on both roles in the relationship. Most are familiar with the stages of grief identified by Kubler-Ross, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The grief felt is the loss of your planned future and your loved ones’ abilities. Each phase is challenging, but part of the road to recovery.

The stages I experienced as caregiver were confusion, fear/anger, loneliness, depression, and realization. During the initial weeks in the hospital, I felt confusion and fear based on that day’s challenges or triumphs. In time, I realized that the goal is to identify where you are and to embrace that stage.

The past few months, I have been visiting caregivers at the hospital. Their loved one had a stroke within that week. They are trying to navigate this new life, exhausted and fearful.

I have been in your position and know the fear. Your loved one is different, and your relationship will change. Like you, I am grateful that my husband survived but that doesn’t stop the pain of losing the essence of someone you love. You can’t move forward and try as you might, you can’t move back.

The old ways of communicating with your loved one no longer work. Trust me, I tried this past week, knowing ahead of time that he could not fully participate but hoping that this time I could get thru and bring him back. He listens and shared he would try harder to connect and care but it is no longer something that he can do post stroke. We both cried knowing the truth.

On Monday, I made my usual visits to families of recent Stroke Patients.  It still amazes me the number of individuals that experienced a stroke daily.  Just to give you an idea, I visited with 30 family members and patients this week.  As I walked the halls and listened to their concerns, it brought back all those feelings and fears I had in our first few days and weeks.  These families are still in shock but have the same concern we all had – What If…

Once I passed through the confusion phase and had some idea what I was dealing with, my nursing background and the world of “what ifs’” entered the picture. I still didn’t know where we would be in a year poststroke, but I knew enough that it would not be a straightforward journey for either of us. I outlined some fears that I

We just returned from visiting family over the holidays and although we had a great time and Rick did well, the reality is that as the spouse and caregiver, we need to do so much more than pre stroke.  The planning, the packing, the lugging of bags, making sure activities are safe, allowing for down time, and looking the other way or being open to their attempts to recapture what they used to be able to do.

One of the caregivers that I recently spoke with shared “Some days, I feel like all I do is FETCH, CARRY, and DO.”   I believe that is a normal emotion and it is not wrong to feel that way.  The key is how do we handle the stress and change without becoming bitter or angry or start to blame ourselves or our loved ones for what has occurred.

During this last trip, I had an “AHA” moment.  Prior to leaving for the airport, I had asked Rick to be responsible for his carryon bag, I had enough to think about.  As we pulled up to the airport, we realized that he had left it on the kitchen table.  My first instinct was to blame me for not taking care of this, but I stopped.  It was not my fault, and the world did not stop spinning due to this.  Was it an inconvenience – yes- but overall was easily resolved.  My son brought the bag on his flight.

What did I learn…

Thanksgiving is not only about gratitude but a holiday that centers around food.  But what if you have a loved one with food and diet challenges, how do you navigate not only Thanksgiving but also daily meal preparation.  In our home, the challenge is that ‘nothing tastes the way that it uses to or just tastes bad” So how do we navigate this issue, this week, let’s explore some of the most common food and diet issues that you may encounter and what others have tried and has worked for them.

Common food challenges post stroke for the survivor.

1.        Eating difficulties such as unable to swallow or inability to feed themselves.

2.      Diet changes that need to be made but difficult to institute

3.      Loss of appetite, no energy or desire to eat

The above list is common concerns that have been either experienced by me or shared with me.  Each situation is different and the issues you encounter may be different.  On my Facebook page “Stroke and the Spouse Caregiver”, many of the members share challenges and solutions that have helped.  Put your concern on the site and you will be pleased with the support provided.